Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle.

   Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up. ~Bob Lemon

   "You want proof that baseball players are smarter than football players? How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?" ~Jim Bouton

   N.A.S.A. found water on Mars. Good thing they didn't find oil otherwise Mars might become the first terrorist planet.

   If you gonna tell me what to do, you should pay me for it. I dont do nothing for free.

   A serial killer, that only targets couples in matching outfits.

   i hate when girls on tinder say "not looking for hook ups just friendships!" yeah and I'm on pornhub to see if the plumber is gonna fix the sink

   See where Pistorius is released after one year to house arrest...wonder is he has to wear an ankle braclet.....

   We are compensating for Global Warming by leaving the caps on plastic bottles...

   Before you decide to spend the rest of your life with somebody, watch them load a dishwasher.

   Son: Dad, what's a hypocrite?.... Me: It's when an idiot wants to change the name of a football team while putting Aunt Jemima syrup on waffles.

   "And what kind of cheese do you want on that?".. My mom: "All of it?"

   Wow ........ turns out, any Room is a Panic Room .......... when you've had 5 Cups of Coffee and a Bran Muffin!

   WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE ......... WE HAVE ...... well, I'm not sure WHAT we have actually ....... it is Very Dark in here.

   I was driving Home when I saw a Hitch Hiker holding a sign that said, "Heaven Bound." .......... Me being the Good Samaritan that I am, drove completely out of my way ......... To hit Him ......... I'm glad I could help him On his Way.

   Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

   The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses....

   Welcome to the Dark Side,we have..........food stamps.

   Avoiding responsibility one bottle of vodka at a time.

   A woman told me that I was right today. Did hell finally freeze over?