Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I met a farmer who genetically altered a turkey legs. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

   I met a farmer who genetically altered a turkey to have 6 legs. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

   I don’t understand why they call that place Hooters. They ought to change their name to Hardees, because sometimes I have to wait twenty minutes before I can get up to pay the bill.

   It's nice to see that SNL let Miss Piggy host SNL tonight

   I found something hard in my vegetable soup last night......It was only the wheelchair

   Who's in bed with their phones ?

   Brush your teeth first before you say my name.

   cons also want 29 virgins, they're called cousins and step sisters

   Let's cuddle, eat junk food and watch football.

   Date a girl who watches football with you and lets you grab her ass during commercials.

   Monday... that better not be your ugly ass I see peeking around the corner!

   In his defense, everyone sounds drunk when they say "I'm Shia LaBeouf"

   So let me try to understand this…being a vegan is your whole personality?

   Nothing says you have been friend-zoned for life like when she invites you to her wedding.

   I'd really love to see you tonight....no, really.....leave your blinds open!

   Hey girls,the best time to give a blowjob is when there's a football game on TV. It sounds like 50,000 people are cheering for you.

   Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "an@l" in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

   911: "How can I help you?" Me: "This thong is wedged so far up my ass that I..." 911: click

   You're in charge of your own happiness, I tell myself, refilling my drink.

   Stop fcukin whining about being alone and lower your standards like the rest of us