Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *wakes up from 2 year coma surrounded by friends & family Where's my phone?

   *First date. Her. "Shall we carve our names onto this tree" Me. "You brought a knife?"

   I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my girlfriend’s mom who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.

   Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

   Remember this weekend to help your girl relax by telling her she "needs to relax."

   I cuddle on the first date.

   Drive around me, can't you see I'm taking a selfie here?

   Apparently my nipples approve of the cool weather...

   FACT: If you ever see a bear, lie down, curl in the fetal position. The bear will then lay behind you as the big spoon & ask you how your day was

   So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not "fergalicious"

   When a pizza guy comes to my door I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him with an empty pizza box then insist that he called me

   A smile is like tight underwear, it lifts your cheeks

   Coworker asked me to lunch and I didn't have the heart to say no so I planted drugs in his desk and got him fired.

   I carry a yoga mat but it's only because I get sleepy after lunch

   If I'm ever in a coma, promise me you'll slip pizza into my IV.

   Welcome to passive aggressive training. None of you appear to be very bright... but I'm sure you'll do great!

   Hit the hay. Kick the straw. Bodyslam the alfalfa.

   People think I'm uncoordinated until they see me get out of a hammock and then they know "uncoordinated" isn't a strong enough word.

   "Having too much sex can cause memory loss." I read it on page 37 in a medical journal on November, 2006 at 4:19 pm.

   My favorite part of sex is right at the beginning when you lift up the tail.