Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Less talk, more overreaction.

   [first date] Why won’t you accept my moms friend request?

   If you drink enough "samples" at the liquor store, they will help you out to your car

   Last year my friend told me to have the best day ever, so I did. My life has gotten worse every day since then.

   I like how Movies will warn you "May not be suitable for all audiences". But what they really need is a "May not be suitable to watch with people who constantly ask questions about movies" rating.

   If the range of decrease in Blood Alcohol Content is 10-20 mg% per hour. I should be able to drive my car next Monday.

   I bought an L shaped couch, the sales rep said it was on sale because the L was lower case. I was ok with that.

   If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.

   Wearing a visor is like trying to get laid with the difficulty setting on expert.

   Nothing!!!!! ~ Women who are FINE

   I am woman, hear me misinterpret

   If my mom taught me anything, it’s how to day drink.

   I am claiming everything ever written by Author Unknown !

   A classic model Bentley owned by Keith Richards sold over the weekend for $1.2 million and features a secret compartment for storing drugs. The compartment is called Keith Richards.

   The Olive Garden is bringing back its “Pasta Pass,” which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign.

   *brings vuvuzela to knife fight.......... *gets stabbed by everybody on both sides

   China, China, ChinaChinaChina...I know China. <<< Donald Trump!

   We have a presidential election coming up... And I think the big problem, of course, is someone will win.

   Actualy, I'm dying for Trump to make it to the primary so we can see all the horrible things he says about each state he loses in one by one.

   I just figured it out,, Conspiracy theorists are pobably just people who never got over finding out that wrestling was fake.