Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Revenge so sweet it gave me a toothache

   My name means pathological liar in Slovenian.

   Relax Jared. You will still be able to get all of the footlongs that you want in prison

   I hope all of the ladies out there get to be with the man of your memes.

   So Megan Fox Is single this is my chance

   Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.

   Women are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you'll finally have 2 kids by the same father."

   Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."

   I've been trying to leave Rome for weeks,,, but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

   Jared began and ended his career trying to get into smaller pants

   Sesame Street has moved to HBO and promise to contain some shocking spoilers, like how to get there.

   I don't use alcohol as a crutch. It's more like a motorized wheelchair.

   I like my women like I like my sentences, without periods!

   I like my woman like I like my beer; brown, smooth, and goes down without any problems.

   I've never had sex with a ten but I'm wondering if two fives count.

   I like my women like I like my coffee.. in a burlap sack shipped over from a 3rd world country

   My Nephew asked me if I knew anything about Galileo .... "Do I" I said, "I know he was a Poor Boy that Nobody loved, from a Poor Family."

   [high school reunion] Him: I'm a doctor Her: I'm a lawyer Him: What do you do? Me: PEOPLE VALIDATE ME ON THE INTERNET..

   Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they're doing right now? They're playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone!

   [live debate] What's your stance on gun control?.......... *poses like a Charlie's Angel.......next question