Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

   Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

   There are three sure signs of getting old. The first is loss of memory. I forget the other two. -

   Violently cry singing Queen's Somebody To Love is my cardio.

   Oh sweetie, 19 year olds aren't "hot moms". Your just a teenager that got knocked up. Try again when you're 40.

   Studies show that marijuana use is up in this room over 11 minutes ago.

   My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice

   They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one... Susan

   The Detroit Lions have been getting killed for years and no one is protesting!!

   I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

   You guys ever YOLO so hard your Hyundai gets repossessed?

   I just sneezed while taking a piss and now I have to move.

   it too late to say hakuna matata to that lion?

   I haven't heard a single zebra complain about that lion getting shot.

   It's okay password, I'm insecure too.

   Yes I'm still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"

   (ordering cake on the phone)... BAKERY: And what would you like the cake to say?... (holds hand over phone)... Honey, did we want a talking cake???

   If you sit on your hand till it falls asleep and then like your own jokes,, it feels like someone else is doing it.

   When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn't because his heart is broken. It's because he can't cook.

   There's a dentist in Minnesota that kills lions and bears. There's a football team in Minnesota that can't beat lions or bears.