Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's such a shame when someone dies of a drug overdose in the bath when all they were trying to do was get clean

   Bath tubs - 2, Houston's - 0.

   I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'll get ripped in 15 minutes

   I know I should be sad and worried about Trump but I confess I am surprised and delighted in this country's capacity to keep a joke going...

   Don't call each other BAE and act all surprised when that relationship doesn't go anywhere.

   You know who else who waits 7 hours to reply to a text with "lol"? SATAN

   wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing monkey? me hanging a tire swing in the kitchen: not a clue.

   Excuse me while I go slip into something more alcohol.

   It's cute how you all call them "weddings" instead of prison sentencings

   I've never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.

   Enjoy your last 24 hours before S̶k̶y̶n̶e̶t̶ Windows 10 ta̶k̶e̶s̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ is installed.

   A Higgs Boson walks into a church admiring the stained glass. A priest walks up and says," We don't allow your kind of particle in here." The Higgs Boson replies, " But without me, you can't have mass."

   Argon and Neon walked into a bar and ordered drinks. The bartender said, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here." They didn't react.

   A Roman man walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean a martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

   We should make it so Congressmen are no longer elected. Then the Donald could create a reality show like the Apprentice, which would shown and sponsored on television, and make them all have to justify keeping their jobs. If they can't, -- "Your FIRED"

   You seem like a nice person, are you lost?

   Now patiently waiting for El Chapo from Mexico to send threats to hunter Dr Palmer... Maybe he's out of Data Minutes.

   ALEX TREBEK- This is the first man to climb Mount Everest... NORTH KOREAN GUY- Who is Kim Jong-il ... ALEX TREBEK- Stop saying that

   We shouldn't send our trash into space, that's how you get space raccoons

   My neighbour just overheard me asking "what's your problem?" to a cute little squirrel on my front lawn.