Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am not sure how I missed this, busy I guess, but Monica Lewinsky turned 42 earlier this week, it seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her knees.

   I don't remember how the saying goes, but I think it's Rum before Whiskey, before Vodka, = Heart Palpitations.

   Saying "I'm offended" is basically telling the world you can't control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.

   As others prepare for another exciting college school year. I prepare myself for another 40 hour work week.

   Financial status: Hanging out in front of my favorite restaurant kissing anyone who has food around their mouth and in their teeth.

   Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"

   In reality all girls are crazy so you better just pick your favorite type.

   There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.

   I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won't let me use their microwave.

   SUSAN: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective... We should split up.. . ME: Good idea,,, that way we can cover more ground

   Putting sunscreen on the neighbors solar panel

   Sadly,,, If your neighbor has wind chimes you have wind chimes

   Obama, He's over in Kenya lecturing them on Gay rights, but three days ago ISIS threw two men from a roof and then stoned them to death for being gay and he never said a word

   The information age, does anyone else find it just a little bit ironic that it has produced so many uninformed people.

   And the award for Best Whitney Houston Impression goes to....... Bobbi Kristina

   Bobbi Kristina, I'm sure you are at peace. Maybe now the rest of us can get some peace from that drama-filled family of yours.

   A statue of Satan was unveiled in Detroit. It doesn't seem to be very accurate though, because it looks nothing like my ex-wife.

   Last year it was the ice bucket challenge. This year it's the bucket of hot coals challenge. You go first. . .

   Whitney Houston has been reunited with her daughter, Bobbi Kristina Brown, hopefully together they can both rest in peace. ‪

   Well Bobbi Kristina Brown did say she wanted to follow in her mothers footsteps.