Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4901 of 6451

It's so hot outside,, that other people's balls are sticking to my legs.
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07-14-2015 07:45 by snotty
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*Putting gas in car... $19.97... *stops..(gently).. $ 19.98... (very gently)... $19.99... *Ok, once more...(deep breath).... $37.63... GODDAMMIT
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07-14-2015 07:55 by snotty
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If I end up doing something really cool or funny there’s an 80% chance it was on accident
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07-14-2015 09:44
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We should just invite ISIS over to help us purge our history for us, they are great at it...
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07-14-2015 09:51
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You would be amazed how little you can trust people these days...
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07-14-2015 10:08 by TJC
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My mom told me she had Five Guys for lunch today."
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07-14-2015 11:38
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It's not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
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07-14-2015 11:39
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My Psychiatrist is getting tired of starting our sessions with "Why do you think they unfollowed you?"
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07-14-2015 11:46
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Tried meditating once but ended up taking a really great nap.
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07-14-2015 11:47
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The worst thing a woman can ask a man is "Guess what today is."
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07-14-2015 11:50
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Why Does My Feed Have To Be Clogged With Everything You Liked???
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07-14-2015 12:12 by JCT
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Waiting 2 hrs for an important call...hops in shower ....phone rings..
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07-14-2015 13:18
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There we go... the first of a long series of Pluto's selfies...
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07-14-2015 13:36 by Niltzz
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So we can beam a crystal clear selfie of Pluto from 3 billion miles away but vending machines will still not take my dollar if it has a wrinkle...
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07-14-2015 13:58 by eengrms
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if 50 cents had a nickle for every bankruptcy joke
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07-14-2015 16:09
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Confirmed: The spacecraft near Pluto has a NIKON camera
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07-14-2015 19:36
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And for years I thought Pluto was a dog.
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07-14-2015 19:59
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I thought Pluto would have more hair.
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07-14-2015 20:00
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Yes,, I'll come to your third wedding,, but let it be known that your gift will be a set of irregular sheets.
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07-14-2015 20:09 by snotty
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I get called into cat-boss office,,, *Boss staring intensely at red dot on wall... "Cancel all my appointments I'm not to be disturbed".... "Yes Sir."
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07-14-2015 20:13 by snotty
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