Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't read the article but let me tell you what I think about the headline.

   My sex tape looks like Stephen Hawking trying to pull himself out of a bathtub.

   You keep writing inspirational messages on Facebook, bro. I'll be over here banging that chick you like.

   At first I thought it said, "Kourtney Kardashian takes a dump on Scott Disick" which would make much more sense.

   The current Facebook dilema: How long until I can remove my rainbow filter avi without looking like a homophobe?

   I was surprised by how poorly attended my high school reunion was until I rememberd the graduation day bear attack.

   Well I guess this the recent news about Jared might put a whole new meaning to "six inch sub" instead of Footlong

   Its 2015, why do babies still have cords.

   Just got kicked out of Subway for asking if I could get a footlong Spicy Italian in my Kids Meal....

   The husband asked if I've seen where his exfoliation sponge was,,, and now I'm waiting for our periods to sync.

   I blame Subway!! The kids had a better chance of outrunning Jared when he was fat......

   Too bad you can't afford to straighten those fcuked up chompers. Nice tat's though...

   Went to Mcdonals and asked for a sad meal. What?!?!? Dont judge me, Sad people gotta eat too!

   What is an Ariana Grande? A drink from Starbucks?

   Now that she hates Americans, we know she's Ariana "not so" grande...

   Some of my best sex moves happen cause I get a cramp in my leg,

   Bill Cosby is rebranding as a rapper called Quaaludacris.

   What the Cialis commercial doesn't tell you is that the coolest thing about a 4-hour erection is having a place to hang your jacket.

   I have enough money to last the rest of my life. As long as I don't buy anything.

   Elon Musk (President of Tesla Motors) needs to change his name. He sounds like a new fragrance from Pierre Cardin.