Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Exactly how is that Tennessee Hardware shop owner going to make that "NO G AYS ALLOWED!" sign work anyway? I mean how can he tell? Is there like a litmus test or some kind of g ay Deliverance hillbilly honor system we all don't know about?

   I wonder what America's bald-headed eagle could do to Canada's beaver?

   I'm really starting to get along with this guy my wife turned me into.

   On Canada Day you are allowed to kiss a beaver; and Parks Canada can't do nothing about it ... it's in the constitution.

   I never thought the thug life would involve so many bills.

   Remember, your neighbours aren't going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree from the University of Phoenix.

   I love the surprised look on a woman's face when I tell her that she drew her eyebrows too high.

   She said: "I miss the old you." I know that she meant the young me

   She said: You're certainly not the man I married. He said: Yeah. He had a much younger wife.

   Her wedding day means no more sucking, shaving or starving!

   my views on lesbian relationships? Preferably in HD.

   Sorry for twerking in your front yard while your car got repossessed.

   I'm just over here slow clapping at your failures.

   Either I need to up my dosage or my income.

   PRO TIP: Before you buy the house, have here sit up on the kitchen counter to make sure the height is right.

   I'm not sure teenagers understand that by having unproteced sex, you can catch aweful diseases. And not only kids, but STD's too!

   If you love something, let it go.... Except a dog. Or, a balloon. Or, a baby stroller. Actually, don't let anything go, that's stupid.

   [parents visiting] MY DAD: Looks like you got about an inch of rain. *cut to my dad looking at my bong I left on the patio table* ME: Yep.

   Why is Cuba now acceptable but the Dukes of Hazzard are not?