Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet the first person to see a sun set was all like, "well... this ain't good"

   Wife: Wanna have sex? Me: Sure, a quickie or do you want the full 2 minutes?

   I never know what to say to pregnanant women so I just say, "I like to screw too"

   when you're married, everybody looks good to you.

   "Your career could be in jeopardy" ~ Alex Trebek's agent in 1984

   My GF said I don't listen to her. Or something like that...

   All the brain dead idiots that watch and listen to FOX news must be pretty pissed they haven't been able to marry their 1st cousion yet.....or their goat.

   Be patient freaks, give it a few more years and you will be able to marry your dog

   The story of People of Lut (or Lot) has been preserved for these exact times. To serve as reminder to us what the end result of People of Sodom & Gomorrah (pure destruction) for their deviant/foridden sexual practices. Our Maker has warned from such sins

   My makers were my parents, not sure who yours are. Fairytales from a 2000 year old book is useless.

   "Ducklings are baby ducks," I say as I set the appetizer on the table. "Enjoy your dumplings, Ma'am."

   MY MOM ON HER COMPUTER: [please create a password].... MOM: 123abc... [password must be eight characters long],,, "Ummm ok".... passwordmustbeeightcharacterslong

   SpaceX rocket exploded trying to get out of the atmosphere. God said you let men marry men, you guys aren't welcome up here anymore.

   I get the feeling that there are more people out there that have put more time into supporting gay marriage this past week than they have in supporting there own in the past year.

   I don't know about yours but my news feed is starting to look like there's a big game coming up between the south and the skittles factory.

   over weight & a drug problem? New hitting the streets diet coke

   Based on the amount of money in my retirement account I have no objection to them raising the retirement age to 247.

   Tomorrow is Canada Day, maybe we should all go out for some good Canadian Cuisine to celebrate

   You're only young once but you can be immature forever!

   One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in an action movie..