Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Crazy how the Pointer Sisters say they're JUST burning doing the Neutron Dance like it's not a huge deal to catch fire from dancing

   I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up

   [ouija board] Who are you? *board begins spelling* G-R-E-E-N--M-A-R-I-O What the -- a Luigi Board?! W-A-H-O-O--I-T-S-A--M-E

   Sometimes, I just want to leave everything behind and get hopelessly lost. *goes to Ikea*

   The best thing about becoming a parent is that you don't have to pay $50 to get peed on anymore.

   It's time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops.

   *Nude Pic* INAPPROPRIATE *Black & White Nude Pic* ART

   I'm not really happy being a human. Is there a way to go a step back and be a monkey?

   My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

   I hate it when people ask me what I will be doing in 5 years. Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision.

   i think facebook just set a record for the longest period of time that they haven't changed anything around on us.

   Love means never having to say you're happy.

   Religion - the undeniably moronic belief that ancient horticulturists and sheep farmers knew more about the origins and workings of our universe than modern-day man could ever, even with all his scientific advancements.

   Religion is only 4000 years old and based on where you live. The world is billions of years old.

   I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kids meals cost $150.

   Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don't like.

   I signed up for eharmony and it keeps matching me up with local Baskin Robbins.

   I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I'm roofing.

   I'm taking my two beautiful children to Disney World. I'm leaving the two ugly ones at home.

   My cat likes to scratch on a wicker chair. She likely thinks it's her guitar. I sing along because I don't want her to feel stupid.