Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cheer up LeBron. You did win the MVP after all. Most Visible Privates

   I'm not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.

   Don't blame the guns. A killer has a wide selection of tools to kill with. Control killers not guns.

   A fun thing to do with when you're watching "JAWS" with someone is lean over halfway through and whisper "I think the shark did it."

   Ladies, if your boyfriend can't drive a stick shift, you have a girlfriend ...

   When I love, I like to give it my ALL. Same when I don't love.

   THEN MAYBE THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE MADE WORKOUT CLOTHES SO COMFORTABLE TO LAY AROUND IN

   It's HARD being this creepy.

   I'm awkward. I don't apologize for it. Hi.

   It's almost noon and still nobody has peeled me a grape. Worst. Father's Day. Ever.

   My Dad sends his love because he thinks I know you all personally.

   Dad, I love how we don't even have to say out loud that I'm your favorite.

   The most interesting thing about me is my lack of interest.

   It's also amazing how someday, someone walks out of your life and you wonder how the hell you lived with them!!

   If time is money Facebook owes me like...29 billion dollars...

   Kanye West calls himself Yeezus because he can turn, "Not winning a Grammy Award" into whine.

   Happy Father's Day, Caitlyn Jenner!!!!

   Do the Kardashians have to buy Bruce Jenner a gift on both Mothers Day and Fathers Day now?

   I'm beginning to feel jealous of you and your pics with your dads...I don't get to see mine til tomorrow when he delivers the milk

   I don't watch porn; I can't get over the frustration that the pizza they ordered is getting cold.