Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.

   If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-a$$, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-a$$ into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.

   Three things that I learned today:1) I'm bad at Charades 2) There are no films called 'Choking' or 'Dial 999' 3) Grandad is .. I mean, was, allergic to peanuts.

   Yea, gun control is awesome...if you're the one controlling the guns.

   Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.

   Dear Europe, I lost a bet and have to watch a soccer game. Question: do these things end or do the players just die of old age?

   If I'm am ever wronged, I expect you to avenge me. So be ready.

   Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.

   Kind of unfair that dentists are the only ones who have the freedom to shove their hand in someone's mouth when they start talking.

   I'm funnier online than in person, and funnier in print than online, but I'm at my funniest when you have no interaction with me at all.

   I miss the days when if a person took a billion pictures of their own face, they would end up being institutionalized.

   To unsubscribe from our mailing list, please catch a wild bear and bring it to our headquarters where you will have to wrestle it and win

   Contort my hands into gang signs before the rigor mortis sets in so I die legit

   If you can't handle me at my worst you're probably good at setting boundaries.

   People who have a meme for every Facebook comment scare me more than serial killers.

   4:43am Neighborhood Watch Report: my neighbor gets a super creepy look on his face when he's sleeping.

   A new study shows that as people get older women retain memory better than men. This just proves that thing my wife told me...

   .What's your dog's handkerchief for? Is he robbing a stagecoach later?

   I say potato you say potato, another guy says potato, everyone starts chanting potato, the potato meeting was a huge success

   Do these boxers, this bag of chips, and couch make me look single?