Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Clearly the lifeguard is to blame for letting that many people into the pool. Case closed.

   Funny how most women are quick to sympathize and lend support and solidarity to a man wanting and pretending to be a woman but are envious, cold hearted and mean to other real women.

   You can't call it "Doggy Style" unless you scratch behind her ears and ask, "Now who's a good girl" after you finish.

   Your personality is a size "0" too.

   Going back onto work for the first time after vacation is like running into someone you once knew who you never really liked anyway.

   Politicians should be limited to two terms. One in office and one in prison.

   Here's an idea: When in doubt, shut your mouth.

   1985: call me on the new line in my roo.m 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me

   How much for the girlfriend? Sir that's a bottle of Vodka.

   When I asked if you would have my kids I didn't mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

   come from a long line of people who ruin things.

   "FRIGGIN!!!,,,, FRIG!!"... - *Godzilla, after stomping on a Lego store.

   Ugh,,, You'd think this restless leg syndrome would be exercise enough.

   On "Family Feud".... Host: Name something that you can never seem to find the right time to say.... Dad: "You're adopted, Chet!".... *The WHOLE Family claps,, except Chet*

   [Every restaurant ever].... Manager: "Has he got a mouthful of food?".. Waiter: "Ummm,, Yeah."....Manager: "Good,, Go ask him how his meal is."

   Relationship status: ▫️Single ▫️In a relationship ▫️Married ▫️Engaged ▫️Divorced ▪️Waiting for a miracle ✔️

   Note to men, if you really want to understand how a woman's mind works - imagine a browser with 2687 tabs open.

   I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster. Now it doesn't work.

   This Wednesday has been humping my leg with it's eyes closed.

   "Looks don't matter, just be yourself". - attractive people