Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hot singles in your area wish you would turn up the air conditioning.

   Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.

   Nice try Bruce, but nobody over the age of 11 is named "Caitlyn"

   Whipped cream is just like regular cream but can't do anything unless its girlfriend lets it.

   I would be at your side through anything, exepct a marathon.... screw that.

   My wife's method of waking me up is pretty much the same as a solider waking up a prisoner of war.

   Marrying your high school sweetheart is like having your wedding reception at Applebees

   They call it a "shower" because "aquatic masturbatorium" is too long.

   I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night especially because I walked there.

   SON: Yuck, there is a hair in my mouth. ME: Reminds me of HS when I ate our German exchange students pu- WIFE: *SMACK* ME: ...dding. Pudding.

   Chicken soup poured into a dinner bowl looks yummy. Chicken soup poured into a toilet bowl looks disgusting.

   So happy!!! My wife just told me she wants to have sex tonight, so while she's out, I'll get some PS4 time.

   Don't worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn't be lost much longer.

   I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

   People die when women are “fine.”

   The worst part about buying new underwear is having to sew a sock on them every time.

   I think I am safe if I commit a crime that goes to trial cause no way they'll find 12 people to sit on a jury as my peers

   Kim and Kanye can now take baby North to visit Grandma and Tranpa!

   Mr. Peanut is an aristocrat who sells dead and dry-roasted members of his own species.

   Heeey, it's Tinder Tuesday! *logs in* Yep. I'm still unlovable within a 50-mile radius.