Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like my wine like I like my men, inside me.

   My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.

   Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

   "For the record I made women from men before it was cool." - GOD

   My neighbours sex sounded so good I made them a Sandwich..

   Man: You look pretty today. Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.

   You'd think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.

   I'd like to have another child one day. Two days, maximum.

   pro tip: go to men's warehouse. try on a suit. take a selfie. say the suit isnt what you want & give it back. you just got a free picture of you looking good in a nice suit.

   "Thanks FIFA for making me look like a boy scout!" - Tom Brady

   I'm so bad at Candy Crush that I just gave up and ate a bag of M&Ms.

   Sequel Idea: Fresh Prince of Bel Aire 2 - A privledged kid from Bel-Aire is sent to live in West Philly to be given a hard dose of reality. Starring Jaden Smith.

   Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".

   If by "social drinker" you mean I like to drink instead of being social, then yes, I'm a social drinker.

   Sorry boss, can't come in today. National Donut Day is sacred to my people.

   started calling my truck Caitlin since it started having tranny problems

   Blowing a tranny means something completely different to an auto mechanic.

   National Doughnut Day - My Holey Day

   So, I wonder if Jerry Sandusky has room in his cell for Dennis Hastert?

   First date. Her. "Shall we carve our names onto this tree" Me. "You brought a knife?"