Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My G.F. has a pair of 'meatloaf' panties. On the front, it says 'I would do anything for love' On the back it says 'but I wont do that.'

   We're weird creatures; we don't tolerate liars and won't tolerate truth either.

   Relationship status: Looking for someone to rub me the wrong way...

   Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"

   I just had salmon, raspberries & pine nuts for supper. Somewhere, out there, a grizzly bear is searching for his soulmate.

   Sorry fro all teh typos. Whne it comse to texting, I'm all thumbs.

   Are you sure your relationship is "complication" and you're not just sleeping with too many people?

   Reminiscing of the days when "Daddy drinks because you cry" was just sarcasm

   That's odd, my FitBit just told me I met my daily goal of 10,000 steps, but all I've done all day is sit on the couch and watch porn.

   My Girlfriends good traits: Young, gorgeous, adverterous in bed, and has a dragon. Her bad traits: She's not real, but I can look past that becuase she has a dragon.

   When a hipster pissed me off, I don't get mad, I just throw their Fiat on a roof.

   I'm so glad I was never a cavewoman, I'd have no idea where to hunt for sandwiches.

   Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

   All of my fantasies involve you and then there's pizza a few times.

   Whenever I want to lift my spirits, I use a shot of whiskey.

   If by "buns of Steele" you mean dented and rusty, then yes I do have buns of Steele

   My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

   It's like my dad always says, "Stop calling me. I have another family now."

   This tequila tastes like my ex wants me to text her.

   Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.