Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got injured by a bull in Pamplona one time. It wasn't bad. He just grazed me.

   If I was in Mad Max I would be the guy who can't figure out how to turn the windshield wipers off.

   Don't worry about walking a mile in my shoes. Just try spending a day thinking in my head.

   If you're quiet enough you don't even have to ask for permission before petting a guide dog

   A guide dog joke? I didn't see that coming.....

   I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"

   I wonder if spiders get as pissed off as I do when I walk through their webs.

   They tell me that exercise makes you look and feel better about yourself, to them I say, "So does alcohol"

   Its okay Pluto, I'm not a planet either.

   A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.

   I hired a wedding planner. She just handed me a noose then laughed for twenty minutes.

   Why doesn't my kitchen deliver?

   An Apple fan walks into a bar and orders the same drink as yesterday but pays more.

   Kiss and make up is my favourite description of a Kiss concert

   You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.

   Fun Fact: If a rapper raps about how much money he has, I will be downloading his album for free.

   I dropped out of college after my sophomore year, so I get it half marathon runners.

   Not sure who came up with the spelling of "phlegm" but phuck thegm.

   When a man talks dirty to a women, its sexual harassment. When a women talks dirty to a man its $3.95 per hour.

   Because of "YOLO", MILFS are now 16 years old.