Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last week, I had an update so bad,,, Nicolas Cage got cast in a movie about it.

   I watch the Disney Channel, to get a sneak peek of Maxim's line up in five year.

   My weekend mood fluctuates between “better get the lawn mowed before it rains” and “Hurry up and rain so I can’t mow the lawn.”

   Doctors only gave me three more months to live la vida loca

   Tetris taught me that when you try to fit in you’ll disappear.

   That moment when you flex your foot wrong and it cramps, and you think “This is it…this is how it ends.”

   A cactus is really just an aggressive cucumber.

   I'm sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they've won the Canadian lottery.

   Rosetta Stone but for the THINGS I say when I'm drunk

   Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

   Girl just told me her roommate sits around watching Netflix all day and never goes out and now I kinda want to meet her

   RoGhetto Stone is fo da hood, yo.

   Its like my liver has no idea what's about to happen.

   I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

   If you had a good time, the best time of your life and you don't post it on social media, did it really happen?

   I've been single for so long, I'm this close to buying more cats.

   Want to know the best way to make friends? Tell a woman you love her and she will say "I think we're just friends"

   I'm not drunk, I just feel better.

   I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don't go."

   The grapes of wrath is a fun way to describe a pissed off woman who's drunk on wine