Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Holy crap guys!!!! Only one more week until Tiffany from Facebook is in Mexico drinking with her besties!!!

   If you don't boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?

   [walking up to birthday party] Kid: "Dad, these are all the cool kids. Don't embarass me." Dad: "I hear ya dawg" *puts baseball hat on backwards*

   Welcome to laser noises club. Please take a pew.

   Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo

   Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

   No thanks 5 Hour Energy drink. Work is 8 hours, I'll just stick to cocaine.

   I like to wear a stethascope around my neck so that when there is a medical emergency people learn a valuable lesson about false assumptions.

   How come MOM'S and dad's only get one day and Sharks get a whole week??

   Bae is short for Retarded, right?

   Man at the dog park: Who's a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL???? Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

   Older women are why I don't like younger women.

   One more mood swing and I'll have the whole set.

   If one more person posts "The thrill is gone" or "The Edge fell off the edge" I'm gonna scream. #sheeple

   You ever wonder why eye glasses don't exist in the future? Star Wars? No glasses. Star Trek? No glasses. Battle Star Galatica? No glasses. No one wears glasses in the future! Something to look forward to.

   You obviously did not see either Adama, Baltar, or Roislyn wearing glasses

   I'm was doing Bikram yoga today. By that I mean I was in the back of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to vacuum under the front passenger seat.

   Some ducks landed on the grounds where I work yesterday. It was interesting to see them practicing teenage girls' faces.

   Walked into a public washroom and it sounded like someone was power-lifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

   I’ve been training my facial muscles to do the nose twitch from 'Bewitched', and just had a huge breakthrough with the right nostril. Big day.