Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do I do? My google machine just rang.

   maybe they should do like a Hunger Games city version....Ferguson vs Baltimore

   Your car took up two spaces,, So I tried to move it over with my key.

   [flashlight to face]... When we were young, we only had a few TV channels... *all the kids gasp*... And there was no wifi... *4 kids puke and 2 faint*

   If you want to get into a race debate, OK, I'll start one.... Why is Tony Stewart allowed back in NASCAR?

   I miss elementary school days where I would have a doctor's appointment and come back to school like a boss with McDonald's.

   If I thought President Obma should serve two more terms in office, than I'd be on crack just like Obama is.

   You know what is worse than the riots in Baltimore......... Another Paul Blart movie.

   "Oh, this old thing?" - my cat showing me his butt hole..

   I have an idea for a new movement. Call it “People Against People Against People.” Basically, we’d go around protesting anyone who is discriminating against someone else. Race, religion, political views, it doesn't matter. If you have protesters and

   and you feel they are being discriminatory, you give us a call and we’ll be right over with signs and bullhorns to protest their protest. We can even have a slogan: “Hey you, Stop that!”

   No one can name one thing Obama has done to make our lives better.

   When people ask where I live I always say by the sword.

   I don't want to say I'm out of shape, but I can't even jog my memory without breaking a sweat.

   I'd like to give that Baltimore mom 10 min alone with Congress and a wooden spoon.

   Upon learning how old I am, a 5 year old named "Braxten" told me I was "really old," so I whispered in his ear, "at least I have a real name"

   My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

   Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

   I really like compliments but I don't want anyone talking to me...

   *Putting kids toys together* WIFE: Stick it in the other hole. ME: Why didn't you tell me that 5 years ago?