Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never comment on a joint FB account post because I never know who said it, the wife or the p ussy.

   Opening the wrong kitchen cupboard and drowning in a "Bag for life" tsunami

   Life begins at the end of your comfort zone

   I wish I could have the days back when I'd tell my best friend "we did it three times last night" and it meant something other than "going to the bathrrom"

   If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.

   We need to start worrying about what kind of world we are going to leave for Keith Richards.

   I have to sit in the passenger seat of a car driven by a 16 yr old with a learner's permit you don't scare me.

   People getting out of prison will probably be on Myspace now saying "Where's everybody at?"

   Welcome to Celebrity Impersonators Club. Please have a seat. There's plenty of Chers.

   obama removing cuba from state terror list... can he add himself in its place?!?

   I'm mature but only without the apostrophe and space.

   I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

   I put my phone on airplane mode, and Siri asked me if I had ever been in a Turkish prison.

   If time is money.... Facebook owes me like...27 billion dollars...

   A general rule of thumb is, there is almost nothing in my head worthwhile to say it.

   An employee is a person who wears a tag and idle around seriously.

   Life isn't measured by how many likes we get, but rather the moments that take our likes away.

   Now that she's running for President, US voters should remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky... ... and Monica blew it.

   Most people are surprised to find out I am a grandmother, especially my daughters boyfriends.

   So far I'm 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.