Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if Hillary has any stains on her pants suits.

   If you didn't want her 6 years ago, why do you want her now?

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about grains of wheat that could've become beer, but didn't.

   My wife and I found each other on a dating website, 3 years after we got married... That was awkward.

   I tried to send my family tree information to Ancestry .com. They sent me back a pack of seeds and told me to start over.

   Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.

   The most unrealistic part of the Harry Potter series is that Ron and Harry never once used the invisibility cloak to watch the girl wizards in the shower. That is the first thing most teenage boys would do.

   I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.

   All these people ready to vote for a runner up from 6 years ago that could not handle her last job....

   That was not the first time Tiger's bone popped out and he had to put it back to avoid further damage.

   Sam Smith's voice should be a scented candle. Just sayin'...

   Just realized who in the heck did I get a more better grade in Spanish class then I did in English?. Doesn't make cents.

   If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.

   If you Google 'Big Bang Theory' the TV show outranks where ther Universe came from. Take that, existence!

   I call that ass "Snooze Alarm" so you understand why I'm hitting it so much.

   Real frogs call him Kermit the Fraud.

   I haven't gotten a handjob in forever, but when I saw my wife beating a can of biscuits on the kitchen counter, I remebered why.

   Your profile says "DJ/Promoter-producer", so do you keep your full time job at the call center just to keep grounded?

   Putting a lock on your moped is like putting your Crocs in a safety deposit box.

   Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.