Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I once complained that I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean seriously, it's not like he needed them or anything.

   “Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

   Tell me I drink too much so I can drink about that too.

   According to my bloodshot eyes I'm not approachable today

   A friend in need is a friend in NOPE

   Don't walk in front of me, I may not lead. Don't walk behind me, I may not follow, Don't walk beside me either. Just get the hell away from me. Creep!

   There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

   My first attempt as body piercing was the time I tried to squat with spurs on.

   It's like my daddy used to always say, "GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND LET SOMEONE ELSE HAVE A TURN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THERE ANYWAY?"

   It's always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor's newspaper that's the best time to do it.

   I love when people comment on my winter weather from warm climates... "It's 80 here" and your inside on the Internet? Losers always lose

   Looking at how successful all the Kardashian women are, I don't blame Bruce Jenner at all...

   Keeping your job is the new raise

   I slept like a log last night. Woke up this morning in the fireplace.

   My foot went to sleep in my team meeting yesterday, which wasn't a big deal until it started snoring.

   You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.

   Keeping a roll of Oreos down the front of your pants assures your blind date will be pleasantly surprised when you open your zipper.

   I'm old enough to remember when Obama was committed to dismantling #Iran's nuclear program.

   Here's to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.

   Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn't socially acceptable for some reason.