Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.

   It's funny how "You're so funny" turns into "You think everything's a joke" in just 3 months...

   My dog was sleeping so I put his paw in warm water. He peed all over the floor. I laughed but he's not embarrassed and I have to clean it up

   I'm so old I remember when people didn't publicly express every feeling they had every moment they had it.

   I'm so old I remember when "LOL" meant "Laugh Out Loud" and not "I can't think of anything to reply with.""

   The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

   Did a 5k today only instead of kilometers it was the number of calories I ate at lunch.

   I started homeschooling my kids and now we're allergic to gluten and don't believe in vaccines.

   Calm down Jihadists. If you're in that much of a hurry to see 72 virgins, just go to a Star Trek convention.

   Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

   It is incredibly ironic that the people with the most narrow and closed minds also have the widest and open mouths.

   Life is like a box of chocolates. An emotional woman can destroy one in 5 minutes.

   No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine

   Some people should not have been given the ability to talk and breathe at the same time

   Money saving tip - Drink at home. You're welcome

   I think Pokerstars and Adobe are in a race to see which one can have more software updates per year.

   the boss keeps talking about a company 401 k ..... I don't think I can run that far

   Everyday I see some stupid comment on a mutual friends page and I am forced to add another name to my block list. . .

   My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

   Before you judge a man, walk a mile in their shoes; and then judge them.