Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The more you duck face, the less I like you.

   DIET TIP: If you eat an entire tub of hummus and a bowl of applesauce, you will poop a sandcastle complete with moat... I know that now

   If your favorite color eyes is bloodshot, I'm your guy.

   PRO TIP: If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.

   My 30 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 150 lbs. I've gained.

   A giraffe's coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat. Ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

   Psst...if you wanna have a Christmas Baby...tonight is the night.

   wondering if Yoda's last name is Lay-Hee-Hoo

   I can look dead in your face while you’re talking, and not hear a damn thing you said.

   With Obama and autocorrect, I don't have to take the blame for anything!

   I think the next time I have to tell my teenager to do something they don't want to do, I'll play a catchy 80s tune like the pharmaceutical commercials.

   if you use "tbh" and then someone calls you a ©unt. They are right

   There are writers who always give the best relationship advice, but are still single.

   Vodka: Because showers weren't meant to be taken alone

   Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.

   If you drink a Red Bull before 10 am it won't work until you post a pic of it on Facebook with the caption, "Breakfast of Champions"

   I'm changing my voicemail to say, "Hi mom. Just text me"

   I once ordered a sub so epic that the sandwich artist that made it cut off her ear after putting the cheese on.

   Maybe I was born with it. Maybe its Krispy Kreme

   Saw a girl with 12 nipples today. Sounds crazy, dozen tit?