Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The dress was white and gold until it decided to go on a date with Chris Brown.

   Sorry for drunk texting last night. And this morning. And right now.

   What do normal people do with their time?

   Yes I am a fan , a huge fan of inappropriate behavior.

   I very rarely piss people off but when I do it's usually loud and spectacular

   Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.

   Accidentally used the dog's shampoo and my hair is super shiny but the neighbors won't like what I just did on their lawn.

   A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you're hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.

   "Don't MAKE me turn this beat around!" — Gloria Estefan yelling at her kids

   Math question: There are 36 Oreos in a 14.3oz package. If Mike eats 3 of those cookies, how many minutes before he's like screw it and eats the rest?

   The actor Peter Cullen voiced both Eeyore AND Optimus Prime. That trivia will be in your brain forever. You're welcome.

   What if black people have been gold this whole time???

   Don't worry Cat Zingano, I wouldn't last more than 14 seconds with Ronda Rousey either.

   My daughter answered every one of Dora's questions wrong and Dora still said, "good answer!". Good to see Mexico's education system is still on track.

   My wife's superpower is : jumping to the worst conclusion possible and worrying about that thing for hours

   I know one day my life may be changed by the man who spends his nights spray painting "Jesus Saves Repent" signs on plywood and places them on the Interstate.

   Dear Winter: SMA!!

   "You the bomb!" "No you the bomb!" -a complement in America; an argument in the Middle East.

   I told my wife I wanted a threesome, and now there is a pizza in my bed. Its stuff like that that got her wifed.

   "Mr Potter, you are now qualified to be a magical janitor" *Harry Potter And The Order of The University of Phoenix*