Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The sound a zipper makes is my Pavlovian trigger.

   Just got an Oscar nomination for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"

   Maybe terrorists hate America because they think Justin Bieber is one of us? You just don't know.

   I've reached an awkward stage in my life where I have the wardrobe of a skateboarder and the hair line of a guy who yells at skateboarders.

   'All right!!! STOP, COLLABORATE and LISTEN" ~ Vanilla Ice's Attorney.

   Remember when Vanilla Ice said "anything less than the best is a felony?" Its because nothing rhymes with "breaking and entering misdemeanor"

   What idiot called it, "leaving right after sex" and not "nuts and bolts"?

   Just gonna wait until this police sketch artist realizes I'm describing him.

   We should have stopped the Nazis with jobs too, I think Hitler would have made a great baker.

   Not sure who is in the stall next to me, but he's going to need to be tested for post partum depression after that one.

   There needs to be a passenger side horn so that I can honk at my wife when she's driving.

   So when the cable company calls you a C word, B word or AH you get free services? Call me an SOB and sign me up!!

   You said you love spending time with your children. School Snow Days determined that was a lie.

   Its pretty cool how after all of these years of marriage my wife as gained the ability to finish my sentences. Like when I say, "Can I...." she says, "No".

   Told my wife I was going to build a deck last summer, but instead I built a really sweet pile of 2x4s in the garage.

   Me: Siri, why hasn't he texted me back yet. Siri: Calling Pizza Hut.

   Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hike-able mountain and no one went to check

   Just when I thought North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un couldn't get any weirder, he goes and lets the cast of Jersey Shore cut his hair.

   Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...

   I was feeling mischievous and saw snow on my boss's windshield. So I started to draw a p*nis on it until I saw she was sitting behind the steering wheel