Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No rest for the wicked. We survive on coffee and vodka.

   To spare the rod is to spoil the child.....every child needs a whack on the butt everynow and then.

   Women claim to not care for looks as much as guys do but I doubt they'll go see Magic Mike or 50 Shades or Gray if it starred Steve Buscemi and Seth Rogan.

   Its pretty cool how we cured Ebola with Measles

   all I'm saying is that Left Shark better be in the next Sharknado

   If I see you playing drums on your steering wheel I will roll down my window, whip out my air trombone and rock with you. Rules are rules.

   "Mom, why do girls rule and boys drool" "Well, dear.... there are these things called boobs"

   "Trust me bro, she's a 10" ~ Tequilla

   Unless your baby is an Autobot, keep it the hell away from me.

   I would like to that "The Walking Dead" for making it socially acceptable to openly talk about which family member you think would get eaten first.

   I hate it when you are in the bathroom and there is no toilet paper and you have to ask the person in the stall next to you to come over and wipe for you.

   I'd imagine unicorn tastes a little gamey with magical undertones.

   to the girl who stared me in the face as the elevator door closed: we will meet again.

   I have horns holding up my halo tonight.

   Hit the gym today with my car.

   If a girl texts you and asks if you think she is fat and you try to reply "Noooo", auto correct changes it to "Moooo" so that's pretty cool.

   Out of all the emotions, my favoritte would have to be "buzzed".

   Sports Illustrated featuring a hot plus sized model on the cover is just as "brave" as Jenny McCarthy is a "doctor"

   If you ask me to write something down over the phone, my "pen" is just a series of "uh"s and "got it"s.

   Sorry my posts aren't up to my normal level. MY glutes keep shutting down.