Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You had me at 0 mutual friends

   just avoid love at all costs

   Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.

   So much anxiety, so little weed!

   Some people are a lot funnier when they're on fire

   Kentucky pickup line- I'm just goin to follow you home anyway, so get in the truck.

   So...you got married, cheated on your spouse, got divorced and now can't seem to find a good, honest person?? Sounds like you just got owned by karma.

   starting a chainsaw in the house is a great way to get the neighbors to quiet down. Also good for getting an unruly child's attention.

   ATMs and automated gas pumps have been around for years but Wal Mart puts in self checkout lanes and people act like the world is ending...

   My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I've failed to teach him our family's place in the psychiatric process...

   Sometimes you have to cook ur own food and jerk off in front of your girl to show her that she can be replaced.

   My gf just told me that my pecker was two inches bigger that her ex's and that's why she will never go back to a lesbian relationship

   Every time a crossfitter gets injured an Angel gets their wings

   When are Levi's going away with "Shrink to Fit jeans" to my style..."Stretched to Fit"?

   You know that friend who says they'll be there for you even if it's 1 am. I am that person only because of insomnia. . .

   FYI 'I'm here so I won't get fined'

   I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year! ‪

   If you are so sensitive that I can't joke around without risking offending you and I have to watch every word I say, in case you might misinterpret it, then we can't be friends.

   Accidentally heard the first 15 seconds of a Toby Keith song, now the back of my hair grew 3 inches and my sister looks hot as sh*t.

   People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to STFU. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.