Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the over/under on the football psi??

   Where is Kanye when you need him for Miss Universe

   FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.

   Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.

   I’m not going to judge you if you don't like football because of whatever moronic reason you think you have in your clueless head.

   You don't know me...you just know what someone said about me!

   this upcoming snowstorm will really deflate the patriots balls

   My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed. Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

   Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time.

   Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I'm behind you 100%

   My girlfriend and her sister got highlights in their hair. I blurted out 'frosted flakes' and don't remember a lot of the ambulance ride.

   NEWS FLASH: After watching video of this huge North East Snow Storm.... Al Sharpton has called an emergency meeting with his act up idiot group because the storm is...... ALL WHITE...... film at 11....

   The good thing about this country is we have freedom of speech...the bad thing about this country is we also have Michael Moore.

   I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.

   My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure

   I'm no weather man, but it's snowing out in Boston. . .

   Breaking weather news! Winter storm Juno finally landed and was quickly deflated as it passed over New England.

   Maybe Jabba was extremly thin for a Hut, you don't know

   A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"

   Not really supposed to say anything yet, but… I joined Blink 182. Gonna take it in a super fun new direction.