Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not to brag, but I'm totally going to be the first one shot in any kind of hostage situation.

   I never said I knew what was going on. Who wants that kind of responsibility?

   The beer can was invented 80 years ago this week by a Virginia man. God Bless 'Merica!!

   If I haven't offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It's in there.

   *wipes away tear* You had me at "Dwarf Stripper."

   Bill Cosby is funny. You might say he has a rapier wit.

   If you are a real man, take care of your woman. Because if you mistreat her, ignore her, or don't take her concerns seriously, another man will.

   when you Realize that loud sound in the dryer is your cell phone! DAMMIT!!!!!!!!

   I'm off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...

   Yes I will disappoint you, but I will disappoint you with style.

   Have your demons call my demons

   if I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer couch

   I save time by showing up at my doctor's appointment already wearing a paper gown

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop.

   The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.

   Me: You're always so argumentative. Wife: No, I'm not. Me: See?

   You cannot steal a joke - if you don't want anybody to use it themselves, don't tell it to anybody.

   Can't wait to watch the NFL Pro Bowl said no one ever!

   If you wagered on the Pro Bowl....please seek immediate help for your problem..

   No one used to watch the pro-bowl or the NFL draft, This year the inflation of the Super Bowl footballs will probably be on pay-per-view.