Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams"HIT THE BLAKES" & I'm like"I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE"

   Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?

   My grandfather was a Marine who fought hand to hand combat with the Japanese at the battle of Guadalcanal and I sometimes drink lattes.

   Sure, I'll go to your open bar and watch you get married.

   I don't mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.

   My safe word is letsgetmarried.

   The only astronaut I can remember from the last 20 years was the one who drove cross country in a diaper because she was mad

   earth has people who have done great things like go to the moon and discover pizza then it has idiots who have spent money on selfie sticks.

   Not a huge leap between apes using long twigs to dig termites out of a nest and our recent discovery of the "selfie stick."

   I just walked right up to him, put my finger over his lips saying 'shhhh.' That hobo was going to cuddle whether he wanted to or not.

   It was a simpler time when we believed George Michael was straight and Prince was gay

   Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate

   If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one so shut your goddam mouth.

   The Shawshank Redemption but it's just me tunneling underground from the sofa to the mailbox so I don't have to talk to any of my neighbors.

   wondering if my HEART is healthy enough for SEX , volunteers needed.

   My life is just a series of flight or flight responses.

   Just my normal Saturday, trimming my bonsai tree and teachin' the new kid in my building some karate

   I remember simpler times, when George Michael was straight, Prince was gay, and Catholic Priests could be trusted with young boys.

   That girl who sells seashells by the seashore is a moron

   "IT'S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON'T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.