Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She lost me at, "that's cray cray!"

   Seriously Ladies, stop it with the surveys to see what kind of baby animal, book character, southern belle, princess warrior, superhero or dog you are. Just be a fk’n normal human!!

   Me: My butt fell asleep sitting on the toilet. Wife: Yeah, I know. I heard it snoring.

   I would love to put all the girls I slept with in one room to see if they can figure out what they all had in common

   Females are crazy. You can text your girl "Sweetheart I got those Paris tickets you wanted. My friend Sarah hooked me up" And the only thing she saw was Sarah

   European oral cancer patients are rising at an extremely fast rate. Why you say? They are having the type of cancer which commonly occurs in female gentalïa. Calm Down on those disgusting practices

   What's the difference between a Mu$lim and a vampire? At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.

   Arab scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages. They’re calling it “Islam”.

   One of the most difficult jobs in the world is being a mother. If done wrong, you could ruin someone's future......NO PRESSURE!!!

   Finding a girlfriend isn't difficult...Finding a girl that you WANT as a girlfriend is where things get tricky.

   "Scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages." They’re calling it “Religion.”

   So this year I decided to fill out my own tax return, and guess what ... I'm getting back 4 million dollars!!!

   "When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."

   Colts player busted for Rape charge....thats it, no joke

   Crapchat instead of Snapchat... if you are into that kind of thing...

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: "skeletal remains," "dumpster," "almost beyond recognition," "dental records," "blood bath" and "shallow grave."

   I have the new Weight Watchers fridge...At midnight my fridge no longer lights up inside. My Flashlight is also out of batteries!~~THE END TO MIDNIGHT SNACKS!~

   Do you think America will get so LAZY that we will have "Spray on pants."

   BORED so Pretending to water my fake plants.....

   Spanish word of the day is: Cheez-It's. Cheez-It's Christ it's cold!