Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You like flowers, we DON'T! We are happy to buy it for you. Don't make us like flowers.

   Have you ever noticed that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it?

   5 "Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.

   No, I don't have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.

   Trying out a new diet. It's called "hungry as fcuk all the time."

   The average person has sex 89 times a year. Who needs help being better than just average?

   Taken 27 coming to theaters in January 2029.

   My goal for 2015 is to accomplish the goals of 2014 which I should have done in 2013 because I made a promise in 2012 which I planned on keeping back in 2011

   Apprently Screech will stab you to make you screech if you call him "Screech" in a saloon. Now I'm wondering how many Screech fans are in prison who would like to make Screech screech.

   No. Annie is WHITE. You got it all wrong.

   I enjoy long romantic walks to the nearest bartender to get a beer.

   I don't post pics of my girl and me on social media for a good reason. What if someone calls her ugly and I have to dump her?

   I don't want feelings. I just want pizza.

   I'm not arguing. I'm explaining why I'm right and you're wrong.

   Dance like nobody's watching. Because they're not. They're all looking at their phones.

   A woman says she is on her period, gets 123 likes.. As a man, I do not understand this.

   Facebook has been around 11 years. Which means there has never been a post about the Raiders making the playoffs.

   People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald’s scare me.

   It's hard to compliment a fake person without lying.

   So blunt you could smoke me.