Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Detectives, we have a grisly murder whose investigation will be most likely result in being killed. Who's one day away from retirement?"

   "You're a tall drink of water." "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

   SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they're smart, confident, and aware they don't need us, so yeah, you should be worried.

   Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry.

   "I don't see color." - A person who shouldn't eat snow

   "This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel

   a guy on Maury found out he was not the father and said "it dont take blood to be a daddy" but actually it does. all dads have to have blood

   The jerk store called. *removes hat* I'm afraid there's been an accident.

   my anaconda wants what the heart can't have

   my life is like Jurassic Park but with no dinosaurs, just the part about a fat guy who resents his employer

   Dear New Year New Me People; You don't have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.

   if I was a cab driver I'd yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger

   Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make introductions

   Everyone hates planes babies are just honest about it

   Reading new book: Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury

   It's time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it's over

   FACT: Jargon is lingo for slang

   Just tried to check my Farmville for the first time in 2 years, apparently I forgot to pay my taxes and the IRS owns it now.

   Feminist alright: but excluding opening doors, paying the bill, fight a bully, move furniture, ladies first. If those things aren't done prepare for "oh chivalry is dead & wow, such an Ae-hol!" continued.

   Please accept that there are inherent differences b/w M & W. Otherwise we would just be called MEN! OR JUST WOMEN. You are better at somethings & we r better at other things. Accept nature & let it be