Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Almost time for " the new year new me bull$hit"

   "OMG that guy is dead!! No wait, he's okay..." - My wife's first time watching professional soccer

   [wife yelling at me as I wash dishes] "keith I'm fkn sick of you pretending to be a doctor" [turns tap off using my elbow] what do you mean?

   If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.

   Justin Bieber Got a Freaking Jet for Christmas proving that there is no God or justice in this world we live in.

   No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.

   The Christmas Day hacking of Playstation Network and Xbox Live forced gamers offline and kids to sit with their families for Christmas instead of locking themselves in their rooms. This had girlfriends, wives, and mothers whispering, "It's a Christmas Mi

   An atheist, vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within 2 minutes....

   it required for you to have your own TV show if you live in Alaska?

   Now that Christmas shopping and madness is over, I'm expecting applications for potential girlfriends...

   The average person has sex 89 times a year. This is gonna be one hell of a week.

   The house from Home Alone is up for sale for 2.5 million dollars. F*ck that, the area's full of burglars.

   News: "3 Cliff Walkers Fall to Their Death" Wow, what were the chances of them all having the same name?

   My girlfriend just got a very interesting fortune cookie: 'Every exit is an entrance to a new experience' "Wow!" she said. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I f*cking hope so.

   for once I'd like to see "Its been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"

   I miss the old days when everyone had the same RING tone.

   I wish I had half the optimism of couples that get each other’s name tattooed on their bodies.

   the who thing between U.S.A and North Korea over the movie the interview is basicly the plot to South Park bigger longer and uncut

   If you’re ever in a swordfight, don’t swing at your opponent’s legs, because (a) he’ll hop over your sword, and (b) what are you doing?

   People using "obtuse" in a sentence think they're smart by using a $.10 word. Really, they only know it because Shawshank is on TV weekly