Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.

   If it's wrong to catapult rotting, infected cow corpses into the neighboring village, why does it feel so right?

   If there's a "Mr." in front of your cat's name you're going to die alone.

   My therapist says I'm paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.

   No thanks, contemporary Christmas music.

   What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

   whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I’m done paying for studio time

   FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough.

   The holidays are a good time to think about those less fortunate than you. Aaaaaaand done.

   Science shows having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

   There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, and Sally out in the snow. Come on, guys, let Sally back inside.

   I'll put my phone down when I'm dead on the outside too

   My cat will only eat the most expensive cat food out there.....and also lick his own butt hole.

   I will put my phone down when you put yours down....Ready set.....Wait Someone is calling

   Pay it forward, but with booze.

   some people are like push-up bras....they make a mountain out of a mole hill

   If any of you ever hit rock bottom, please bring me down some vodka.

   I just spent 40 bucks on five organic pears at the farmer's market if anyone needs any investment advice or anything

   "I'm sorry your pet died. Can I come over for breakfast tomorrow?" - The world if pigs replaced dogs.

   Not to brag, but my nickname at work is "do you think he's alive?"