Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.

   Doctor says I'm morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.

   If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you're doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.

   Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.

   Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.

   This might be the cocaine talking but babysitting your two kids tonight was the best experience of my life.

   on a first date I like to make women feel at ease by loudly and clearly proclaiming "I had nothing to do with Columbine" early on

   [in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts

   "I thought I was swerving to avoid hitting a baby deer today, but it turned out to be a smart car with those stupid antlers on it!"

   Fool the kids into thinking this will be the best Christmas ever by circling all the expensive stuff in the Argos catalogue

   If you look in the mirror in the morning and see cellulite,crows feet,saggy boobs and bingo wings.. Don't worry at least we know our eyesight is ok

   As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it's important that you lower your expectations.

   P0rn is so unrealistic, I just took a shower with my girlfriend and stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos

   A chatterbox is just a regular box that won't shut the fcuk up.

   I don't have children; I have hecklers.

   I'm sorry I pushed you away... things were just going too well for my liking.

   I've found the best way to avoid being shot by a policeman is to not break the law.

   " Fcuk the Police" ............ Please encourage this!! With the shift work we do protecting your sorry ass it's sometimes hard to meet women. So please encourage your sister and mother to continue your cause!!

   Kids Say The Darndest Things: Such as "This Puddin' Pop tastes like roofies"