Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can be a real idiot in one field but still criticize people in that area the most.

   If you're smiling on Facebook for 7 years, you should revise your positive attitude towards your mental capacities.

   If you're flirting with everybody, even with dogs, you should doubt your sanity.

   How do you explain stupid to a stupid person?

   No thanks "Love Quotes" account. I get all my love quotes from P0rnHub.

   Lisa in Accounts suggested we play Xmas music in the office. Long story short, she left early due to food poisoning.

   Haven't seen a Marilyn Monroe quote in a while. I hope she's okay.

   I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.

   I thought I had great balance...until vodka proved me wrong.

   I love long legs.... Long sexy legs..... But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.

   A big well done you had unprotected $eX and made a baby. Bravo *slow claps*

   Forgot to close a finger quote. Sorry the last seven years sounded so sarcastic.

   You forcefully uprooted them from their home in Africa to use them as slaves just because you were too lazy to do your own chores. You reap what you sow.

   Who says you can't make someone love you? I've got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.

   Wishing you and your family a happy, stressless, apolitical, irreligious, nonviolent, and painful-childhood-revelation-free Thanksgiving.

   Here I am 5 o'clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt

   TAMPAX have announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel..this is for the christmas period only!

   today I am thankful that no female member of my family ever asked Bill Cosby to hold their drink for them.

   The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

   If I offer to take you out to eat and you are rude to the waiter like you are the one paying the bill expect me to embarrass your shameless ass in front of the same waiter.