Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On a scale of Amanda Bynes to the woman who wants to marry Charles Manson, my cat only thinks I'm Gary Busey crazy.

   If you're happy and you know it, don't stop drinking.

   Somewhere someone's therapist knows you.

   Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.

   In other news, no 12 y/o's riding their bikes got shot today.

   I'm sure we all remember those days when we thought porn was also available on youTube

   Black Friday is the American version of running with the bulls

   Naughty phrases you can say on thanksgiving: "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"..."It's a little dry, do you still wanna eat it??" "You still have some on your chin"..."If I don't undo my pants I'm gonna bust!!"

   I saw that veterans got a free meal at Golden Corral on Veterans Day. Why?... Haven't those poor guys been through enough?

   If I ever go blind, I'll wear two eyepatches, so people will just assume I am a double pirate.

   Did you know that the average person gains 4 pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas? Good thing my mom told me I would never be average.

   If you don't have anything interesting to say, say it in a status update.

   ♪ ♫ "Oh come all ye looters Joyful and on welfare Come ye oh come ye to Ferguson."

   “I shall always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.”

   in my opinion, a camel's back seems like a very inefficient way to transport straws,,, but I might be a bit biased here.

   Tonight seems like the perfect night to stay home, pop up some popcorn, veg in front of the TV and watch Ferguson burn to the ground.

   What time does that rioting and looting reality show start tonight?

   They should wait until tomorrow morning to announce the verdict so everyone in Ferguson will be at work. Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

   "BRING ME THE FETUS' OF 3 CHICKENS.".. *Maniacal stare..."Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette"... "AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES"

   Travelocity search: "Ferguson" other people who have searched Ferguson have searched Beirut, Kabul, and Detroit.