Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I run with scissors. You know why? Cause I got places to be and sh*t to cut

   I never seize the day. I awkwardly watch the day across the room until it notices me staring, then I pretend to be looking at something else

   I was in a taxi on my way to work this morning when the driver said "I love my job. I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That's really great, now take a left here."

   "More power to him" is the polite way to say "What a freakin' wacko".

   Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.

   A funny thing to do when someone's dog barks at you is say, "I don't speak dog," and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

   I can't decide what I should be for halloween or any other day

   What's the best age to tell your kids that they have a weak rap game?

   I call my fists The Nina and The Pinta because they don't land where I want them to.

   Hey smoke detectors, feel free to use that last bit of battery life to continue monitoring fires instead of getting all beepy.

   Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That's what going back to an ex is like.

   Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor's coupons?

   Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.

   "How's phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can't ask on a job interview.

   I got caught taking a piss in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

   well how long before we see KC Royals World Series shirts on the news during an ebola segment in Africa. ...

   This year, I'm takin' candy from kids who have the most, to give to the kids too lazy to trick-or-treat themselves. Happy Obamaween. Merica.

   When they report your photo to Facebook, and Facebook tells them your photo does not violates any rules. ;)

   The best time and place to hide a body is in your front yard during Halloween. That way, people will think it's just a decoration.

   I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.