Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I ain't voting for Monica Lewinskys ex-boyfriends wife.

   Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.

   Snow peas are just like regular peas except the licky boom boom down.

   When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.

   Before forming an opinion on an important social topic, ask yourself: what would a completely unqualified millionaire celebrity actor think?

   I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

   I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn't look that much different from my actual head.

   Sure, I'll show up at your vegetarian Halloween Party... I'll be coming as the invisible man....

   They should have waited until next July 4th to launch that Antares Rocket. At least then it would not have been a complete waste.

   I'll give up my thesaurus when you evulse it from my benumbed, cadaverous extremities.

   Pointing out that what you are doing is dumb and is making you look like an idiot is not judging you. It’s called caring.

   Looks like the lava from that volcano in Hawaii has buried an old Japanese cemetary. But on the bight side, we don't have to worry about zombies wielding samurai swords either.

   Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.

   Maybe men wouldn't have such a low tolerance for pain if women didn't have such a low tolerance for men in pain...

   A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin' too.

   Talk to your kids about marijuana. Maybe they have a higher grade than you do.

   Can Walmart be a feeling? I'm pretty sure that's how I'm feeling today.

   So this whole working for a living sh*t goes on for how long?

   I'd like to think I'm a decent person but honestly if I was a millionaire, the last thing I would do is dress up like a bat and fight crime.

   Just got into a conversation with a crazy person. Do you guys know what a crazy person will never say? -- "Well I've got to go."