Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guy and Girl in a Cars backseat and she says "Kiss me where it smells".....so he drove her to Newark,

   Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a Pterodactyl on the coffee table.

   Not sure of what I fear more, getting the stomach flu, or watching another mud smearing political commercial. Funny how both those things involve nausea and vomiting.

   In Finland when a baby is born you just throw a bunch of magnetic letters at the fridge and that's its name.

   Calm down, different flavored Oreos. Nobody wants to make that kind of decision. Regular or Double stuff was hard enough.

   Don't mix V iagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.

   Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again

   So Oscar Pistorius got 5 years. I knew he didn't have a leg to stand on.

   Remember guys, if your wife or girlfriend gives great head...she learned it somewhere.

   Nothing says "I've already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.

   Why can't the ice cream man just get a fu*kin liquor license already

   You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night

   I always walk around with a megaphone. If Facebook breaks I need to be able to tell everyone that I've had dinner.

   My daughter has just taken two black guys up to her bedroom to study together. From the sounds of it they're getting every revision question right.

   I've finally tried Turkish Delight...it was good, but not "betray my family to the White Witch" good....

   spoon + fork = spork whisk + knife = wife ....they can stir things up & kill you

   One, two Freddys coming for you. Three, four better lock your door. Five, six grab your crucifix. Seven, eight gonna stay up late. Nine, ten, never sleep again...

   As of today, Starbucks will allow their employees to display tattoos and ear gauges. Those are the round plugs that some people put in their ear lobe to let the world know their dads never played catch with them...

   I'm so looking forward to Halloween! Wonder if I'll see any costumes as scary as Renee Zellweger's new face...

   A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.