Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *gets can of compressed air & cleans inside computer*....all my friends are online so I just gave all my friends a blow job

   By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.

   When I have a bad day, I remind myself that beer exists.

   Just because I'm in the friend zone doesn't mean we can't have sex... Oh, that's exactly what it means?

   Oh yeah!! Well, if smoking weed destroys your short-term memory, then what does smoking weed do?

   You may not love me now, but vodka.

   Don't think I won't eat this pudding cup just because I don't have a spoon. It's about to be the best 15 min. of this pudding cups life.

   Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.

   "Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though." - american media

   I ate pizza and drank beer last night. Apparently, too much pizza causes a really bad headache...

   Alicia Keys at the supermarket: "THIS MILK IS EXPIRED!"

   I'd like the ability to call the car in front of me & tell the driver to pull her head out of her ass. Where are we on this technology?

   Okay kids don't ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger's houses except on the day we worship the devil.

   "LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.

   It's not a crime scene if it was an act of love. Everyone knows that.

   So you can't get on a plane with tweezers but Ebola is okay.

   Has science explained why you have to walk around the house when on the phone?

   Next time you go on a road trip for 3 days, can you leave me a note? - Me to my cat.

   I'm sorry I dropped your baby when you said there were snacks.

   I'll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.