Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders if I have ever eaten an egg that came from a chicken I ate

   I was going to let you in front of me, but then I saw your Obama bumper & decided I didn't need a stupid driver in front of me this morning.

   I spent 2 years in therapy for my Phil Collins addiction but I did it. Against all odds. Just take a look at me now.

   If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you're not doing it right...

   My favorite yoga move is the one where I nap under my desk until it's time to leave.

   My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.

   Roger Goodell said he didn’t see the video from the elevator, just the one of Ray Rice dragging his unconscious fiancée. Did he think she just knocked herself out???

   If you mess with me i'll be on you like Rice on wife.

   Government responses: Ferguson: lets hope for the best ISIS: we'll def look into it Nude Pics Leak: THE FBI WILL BRING DOWN THESE TERRORISTS

   If the clitoris really wanted to be found it wouldn't hide inside a hood.

   If I was a reporter in Syria, I'd beheading home right now.

   Great British Bake-Off tonight. In honour of the iPhone launch last night, they too will be trying to improve the Apple Turnover.

   If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you Cnt even change Channel of Tv

   So what if Lesean McCoy tipped a waitress 20 cent. He gives defenses 4 quarters every game.

   cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades

   So, who wants to play go F#ck yourself. Oh my sarcasm never ceases to amaze me. . .

   If Michael Sam beats his wife, will he get fired too. Equal Opportunity my ass.

   Showing your friend a funny video on YouTube and constantly checking their face to make sure they’re enjoying it…

   Go shawty, I forgot your birthday. It's only thanks to Facebook that I know it's your birthday.

   If a co-worker asks how your long weekend was, respond with a clever retort like "not long enough" or "MAAAAAN I MISSED YOUR SMELL"