Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When two sets of boobs cross paths, the larger set has the right of way.

   Action movie villains should really go to the gun range to practice beforehand, because they always miss.

   Some of these people I wish would do their ALS Ice Bucket Challenge with a bucket that is a solid block of ice.

   I pledge to drink a bucket of wine to raise awareness for the earthquake that affected Napa wine country.

   all my teachers know computers....they used to code "C++" on my school papers

   I am currently taking the cold beer challenge.

   I think I'll open a lemonade stand, you know.. for those lemons that I collected through life. . .

   Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other, does this taste funny to you. . .

   I will accept drink a case of beer challenge. . .

   Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It's fiction people.

   If people say you're acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you're totally nailin' it.

   Never the trendsetter his cousin Davy was, explorer Stevie Crockett failed in his attempt to popularize the skunkskin cap

   I went to the zoo to see if we really are related to monkeys, and one of them threw poo at me. That’s my cousin jim bob alright

   Burger King has accepted the Tax Duck-it Challenge. They have no challenged Yum Brands, Panera Bread, and White Castle. You have 24 hours or you will have to donate $8 billion to Obama's Economic Patriotism initiative.

   I'm trying to live healthier......but I'm considering taking up cigars, since they're still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.

   I wonder who the first person to see a pig lying in it's own poo and say "I bet that is the tastiest animal on the planet."

   It's true, opposites attract. My wife gets up early and does stuff.

   I am wondering if all of the pot seized by police in other states can be sold to the stoners in Colorado and Washington?

   You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma'am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?

   I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.