Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If it wasn't for Als ice bucket challenge most americans wouldn't get to shower

   I'm not an ad man but Tampax's slogan should be "we're not #1, but we are right up there."

   That moment when the woman you're dancing behind suddenly bends over so you can grind it, then you realise she just lost an earring... and no one else in Starbucks can hear your iPod.

   Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.

   And then there was the blind prostitute. You really have to hand it to her....

   Or the constipated math teacher. He has to work it out with a pencil.

   And then there was the blind prostitute. You really have to mouth* it to her....

   You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...

   why don't people do a "taser challenge" next & see what its like for epileptic people to suddenly have your arms & legs moving around uncontrollably?

   I got pulled over by a lady cop. I asked her what's wrong and she snapped back "NOTHING!"

   The Ice Bucket Challenge was such a great idea last week!! This week...not so much!!

   Mariah and Nick announced their split. In other news, no one gives a $hit...

   The ice cream truck in my neighbourhood plays Helter Skelter

   My pet rock didn't wake up this this morning....gonna have to bury it.

   New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed on them

   If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die

   "Figuratively ain't no sunshine but the actual sun continues to warm Earth when she's gooone" -Bill Withers, concerned about starting panic

   I'm just a girl, standing in front of a food pantry, looking for something to put melted cheese on.

   Learn to carry your heaven with you. I mean learn to carry your liquor with you. Same thing anyways.